LOVE BYE LOVE
*A/N: My playlist: Doubt & Trust- Access, Wana- The Back Horn, Prisoner of Love- Utada Hikaru, Heartbreaker- G-Dragon, Love Bye Love, Taxi & Stand By U-Tohoshinki, & Shelter- Jaejoong & Yoochun... listening to them over and over while writing the latest chapters. I’m in black mood~*
The white room was dark- dimly lighted with a candle. The neighbourhood was having a sudden black out. Junsu smiled as he saw that tall figure leaning against the window pane- pondering while looking outside the window, staring at the stars. He moves slowly, not wanting to surprise the other male.
“Junsu, I need to talk.” The other male apparently could sense his presence. Junsu sense the coldness in that voice but he ignores it. The wind blows so hard into the room. It almost deafening. He saw the other male closed the window.
“Yoochun~a… How’s your day?” Junsu leans his head at the base of Yoochun’s neck – just above his shoulder. He loves how Yoochun always smells so warm and earthly. It lulls him into a deep calming moment. He felt Yoochun’s calloused fingers wrapping over his hands- slowly entangling his weaving hands from hugging him from behind. Yoochun turns around, facing him.
It’s not that dark near the window, Junsu could perfectly saw Yoochun’s expression and he was struck by something disturbing on it. “Hey, are you okay?” He reaches his right hand over to touch Yoochun’s left cheek. Again, he was struck by Yoochun cold action when he saw Yoochun slightly moves his face further away from Junsu’s touch. His stomach starts to twist in a sudden dread.
“Yoochun~a, what’s bothering you?” Junsu pulls his hand away only to clutch both of his hands over Yoochun’s shirt. His eyes were gazing straight through Yoochun’s cold ones. “Why are you acting so cold tonight?” Junsu fixed his eyes even harder on Yoochun’s, emphasizing to Yoochun that he really is concerned.
“I can’t do this any longer,” Yoochun lowered his gaze, looking too miserable all of sudden. He inhaled a very deep breath before continuing, “I no longer want this.” He fixed his eyes back to Junsu’s. His voice was shaking. Junsu’s grip over his shirt loosens down. His face shunned with a deep confusion.
“Wh-what?” Junsu stutters. Yoochun was happily waving him goodbye the other morning. They had been planning to catch a movie this weekend together. How could he change within overnight? How could it be possible for Yoochun to change after acting like a protective boyfriend as Jaejoong said harsh things to him last night? He could still clearly remember how Yoochun was screaming at Jaejoong. How Yoochun had dragged the older male out of their shared apartment with such anger. He can’t be changing overnight! Something must have happened last night.
“What happen last night, Yoochun?” Junsu felt his words almost stuck in his throat. Something is definitely wrong here. He can almost confirm it when he saw ghost of panic glints for a second in Yoohun’s eyes. “Tell me.” He tried to maintain his poise. He can perfectly feel his fists starting to tremble. His eyes drilled into Yoochun’s, seeking for an honest answer.
Yoochun sighed heavily. “I did something very wrong,” Yoochun’s eyes are now pleadingly looking at him. “I slept with Jaejoong.” Junsu can vividly understand what Yoochun is trying to tell when he said he had slept with Jaejoong. He didn’t want to understand what it means though his fear was falling down on him with a huge bang of truth as he saw the guilty look on Yoochun’s face.
“You’re both room-mate... You always sleep together, Yoochun. What’s wrong with that?” Junsu knew he was in denial, but he just can’t accept it yet. His eyes went blurry all of sudden. He knew tears are starting to dwell in his eyes. He can’t let Yoochun see his weak side. He just can’t.
He winced as he felt Yoochun grips his shoulder so hard, eyes so sharp drilling into his wet one. “Junsu, I slept with Jaejoong-hyung last night! I have sex with him! Understand that!” Yoochun was practically screaming at him. His knees buckled, almost giving up from supporting his weight. If it wasn’t for Yoochun’s strong grip, he would’ve drop on his knees by now.
“How is that possible to happen? Isn’t he your brother? You said you see him as your brother!” Junsu firmly stated his anger. He pushed Yoochun against the window- hard. The glasses make a loud sound as Yoochun’s body collide with the window. His face felt hot with the betrayal he’s confronting at the moment.
“Jaejoong-hyung, he loves me.” Yoochun replied him quietly.
“And do you love him back?” Junsu felt a sudden anger when he heard Yoochun’s answer.
“It’s over, Junsu. We can’t be together.”
“Is this about Ayden? I’ve told you I’m already okay with the fact that you do have some histories with woman before. I can handle my insecurity, Yoochun. What’s important is the present—“
“This is not about Ayden,” Junsu saw how Yoochun’s eyes flickers with a heavy emotion. It saddens him to see such sadness and confusion carved all over Yoochun’s face. “Understand me, Junsu-ya... I can’t do this anymore. We have to stop.” His voice was shaking, as if he’s about to burst into tears any moment. His eyes were moist with clear liquids. “And sleeping with Jaejoong was my biggest mistake. I can’t forgive myself, Junsu.”
“Am I not good enough for you?”
“No, you are perfect, Junsu. It was me. I spoiled everything.”
“Sarang-hae, Yoochun-sshi.” Junsu’s small voice sounds timid. He doesn’t have the guts to look at the young man standing in front of him. His heart was racing like no other. He had never been this nervous before. But now, he’s practically hyperventilating as the nervousness taking the best in him. He was too afraid of losing Yoochun. “I don’t care if you had slept with him. I can forgive you as long as you can tell me you are not in love with him.” He has to loosen up a bit of his ego. He can’t let Yoochun go just because a crazy mistake.
As the silence enveloping them, he looked up. He saw the other male’s face weaved with a slight confusion. There’s a deep crease marring his perfect forehead. As if he’s been thinking real hard on what he was about to say. Junsu saw the other’s lips starting to retort back. But Junsu, he can’t hear anything. He perfectly saw those lips saying things back to him, but he just can’t hear him out. He can’t. So he screams his lungs out to get his hearing back to normal. Then he heard a long beeping sound- rhythmically. Yoochun is no longer standing in front of him. He’s gone. He felt something warm grasping his hands. But he saw nothing. Then he heard a voice, resonating through the white walls.
Junsu recognize that voice. It belongs to someone he failed to hate. It belongs to someone who has been the cause of his heartbreak- his major heartbreaker. It’s Kim Jaejoong’s voice. God knows he tries so hard to hate that guy. But he just can’t. And the fact that he can’t blame Jaejoong for his breakdown is even more painful than anything he had before. He can’t blame Jaejoong that Yoochun dump him. He can’t even blame Jaejoong when Yoochun said they can’t be together. He still can’t blame him when he knew the fact that the night Yoochun and Jaejoong were missing in action, they were actually having a few rounds of sexual endeavour.
His heart burns with hatred when Yoochun admit his faults, but Junsu still can’t found someone right to be blamed. Was everything his fault? Is he not good enough for Yoochun? Did Jaejoong love him more than he did? He can’t blame Yoochun at all because he had loved Yoochun more than anything. And he always knew Yoochun had never loved him as equally as he’d always wanted. He just knew. Yoochun had never said those magic words. Not to him.
Yoochun drags him along on his confusion wagon. “I don’t love Jaejoong, Junsu. I think I don’t love him.” He remembers Yoochun confessed that. “And I don’t know if I love you too.” Junsu still remember the painful pang he felt that night, having to hear those words coming out from the man he loves.
“I always love all of you, guys. I’m comfortable with you. So I thought I love you too, Junsu.” Junsu’s heart broke into million pieces. “I do love you, Junsu! God! I don’t know what I felt anymore!” Yoochun’s sudden outburst twins with his tears.
“We need a break. You are special to me. Jaejoong-hyung, he’s special too, to me. You’re both important to me. I know I’m being selfish right now, but I just don’t want to lose any of you. I don’t want to lose our friendship. It’s too precious to me. And I know I crashed everything down by sleeping with Jaejoong. But I can’t do anything about it anymore. I’m sorry I betrayed you like this, but if I don’t do this, I’m sure I can’t look at both of you like before. I just can’t.”
Junsu needs a break. He needs to sleep. To forget. Sleeping pills seems a good choice at the moment. He loves to sleep. He doesn’t have to worry about anything while he’s sleeping. He doesn’t have to feel anything while he’s asleep. He knew that by sleeping, he could easily ebb his mental and physical tiredness away. He wants to sleep, forever. Because he knew, if he woke up, he had to watch his world crashing down on him. He had to look at Jaejoong differently. He had to look at Yoochun differently too. And he had to cope with the fact that Jaejoong had shared something he had never got the chance sharing with Yoochun.
“Junsu-ya... wake up, please—“ He heard Jaejoong called for him again. He felt Jaejoong’s strong hands clasping warmly over his cold ones. But he decided to ignore the calling. He doesn’t want to wake up. He needs his sleep. The beeping sound lulls him back, drifting him away into another deep slumber. Nobody would miss him anyway.
The dizzying sound had stop. Jaejoong rubs his aching jaw. His vision went clear as the blinding pain recede on its own. He looked up, to the seething Yunho. Changmin was standing at Yunho’s back, his arms encircling Yunho’s torso with force, trying to restrain Yunho from making any further damage to Jaejoong.
“What the hell were you thinking?!” Yunho screamed at him. The anger makes his body shakes violently. Never in his life had he felt as angry as this. “Where the hell did you go?!” He shouts at the top of his lungs. The sight of Jaejoong sitting beside Junsu’s bed was overwhelming him. He felt a sudden responsibility to smack that jerk face as hard as he could. He had a strong gut feeling that Jaejoong has been the reason for all this mess. When he texted Jaejoong begging him to come home, Jaejoong had never replied him back. He ignores all of his calls. He even have the heart to reply that he refuse to come home without Yoochun, not even considering Junsu’s critical state. When did Jaejoong become this heartless bastard was a great wonder to him.
“Hyung, calm down will you?!” Changmin tried to calm the angry Yunho down. “At least Jaejoong-hyung is safe. And he knows Yoochun and Ayden’s whereabouts.” Changmin’s gaze fell on Jaejoong’s. Silently pleading him to say something to defend himself. “I bet he felt really sorry for Junsu, that’ why he came back.”
Jaejoong stays on the floor. Stay static on the spot- staring at the other two with a hard gaze. He doesn’t look like someone who had regretted his wrong doing. Changmin had a sudden urge to kick Jaejoong at the moment.
“Ya, Jaejoong! Can’t you say something?!” Changmin explodes in sudden outburst. He had been controlling his anger since the first moment Jaejoong called him, telling him that he was already in Seoul. His patience had already gone. He sat himself in front of Jaejoong- confronting his hyung with a serious expression. “Don’t you have something to tell us?! What is happening to Junsu and Yoochun?! What is happening to you?!” Changmin grasp Jaejoong’s shoulder; shake him roughly as if the action would make the ever silent Jaejoong talk. Then he felt Yunho’s hand on his shoulder. He glance his gaze over Yunho- confused.
“Jaejoongie, I’m so tired of all this nonsense.” Yunho copied Changmin; he too sat himself on the floor, beside Jaejoong. His flushed face is no longer portraying his anger. The only thing that left was a numb feeling after being too tired of all the confusing events. Yunho look awkwardly calm. He took Jaejoong’s left hand and placed it in his left one. He held Jaejoong’s hand carefully. His right hand reaching for Jaejoong’s left jaw. There’s a small purplish mark over the place where he had punched him earlier. “Is everything going to be okay, Jaejoongie?”Yunho asked him. He is no longer touching the bruise.
Jaejoong stays in silence. He didn’t know the answer for Yunho’s query. He too, wants all of this nonsense to end. He might be the one who start some of them out, but Yoochun is the only person who could put an end for all of it. “I don’t know, Yunnie.” Jaejoong turn his gaze to Changmin’s. “I don’t know how all of this starts to happen. I’m being too selfish. I hurt the most important people in my life. I hurt Junsu and Yoochun.” Jaejoong, when he said those regret words, it was like he is being soul-less. It sounds eerily cold and sadistic.
“You just have to ask their forgiveness Jaejoongie... You know they’ll forgive you.” Changmin reach for Jaejoong’s right free hand. “Then things might turn back to normal.” Changmin sound so positive- coaxing Jaejoong to go back to his old warm, cheerful, carefree-self. He missed that kind of Jaejoong the most.
Jaejoong closed his eyes, thinking so hard over his words. “Though I seek their forgiveness, things will never be the same Minnie.” He knew things will never be the same. Things were never the same after that night when he confessed his feeling to Yoochun. Things will never be better since the day he discover the darkest secret Yoochun had tried to cover for quite some times. Things will never be the same to all of them if they lost Yoochun. He needs to get Yoochun back to Seoul ASAP! His gaze fell on his hand in Yunho’s grasp. “We need to get Yoochun back,” He clutches Yunho’s left hand and Changmin’s right one in desperate manner.
“Yoochun and Ayden, they’re safe, right?” Yunho took the chance to ask Jaejoong about Yoochun and Ayden’s condition. Jaejoong’s desperate tone worries him so much. Changmin and Yunho were both snapped shut as they clearly saw the glassy look in Jaejoong’s eyes. Though Jaejoong didn’t say anything back, but that look can’t be good news.
“Hyung, we’re losing Junsu here. I don’t want to lose another hyung.” Changmin’s voice shook as he felt something hot streaming down his left cheek.
“Ya, Changmin! Don’t cry!” Yunho scold Changmin though he himself was about to burst into tears too.
There’s an eerie silence building up surrounding them. “We’re not losing any of them! We have to get Yoochun back before it’s too late.” Jaejoong said after a while. His face was full of determination.
“Is he in some kind of danger? Is someone threatening him?” Changmin asked. He sniffed over his tears.
“Yoochunnie, he has an operation scheduled for him next week.” Jaejoong held his breath. His can feel how his heart clenches in a deep painful uneasiness. His inside wounded.
“Operation? But why? Is he’s sick? Is he going to be okay?”Changmin seems confused. He was practically mumbling his questions out to Jaejoong. Jaejoong ponders on his answers, but nothing came out.
“Jaejoongie, there’s something you’re not telling us. There’s more about him, right?” Yunho saw something in Jaejoong that Changmin couldn’t see. The hurt. The real hurt Jaejoong was shielding from both of them.
Jaejoong gasp for more air. His chest seems tighten up. He held his breath again. His cold gaze takes turn from Changmin to Yunho. “He’s dying,” Streams of tears marred his perfect cheeks, his eyes was clouded with something cold. “His lungs are failing out,” He felt the exact same numbing pain he had felt before when Dr. Laila, their personal doctor told him about the ugly truth. “He only got another month to live.”
Love, goodbye love. The lightning struck twice. Thunders start to scream. The heavy drizzles change into a very dark storm.
to be continued...