I KNOW WHO KILL MY BEAUTY SLEEP
-WARNING: EXPLICIT (MINOR) CONTENT. MAY NOT SUITABLE FOR UNDERAGE OR THOSE WHO IS AGAINST HOMOSEXUALITY-
*A/N: Still, this chapter is my POV, not Elle’s, though I started to think as Elle. That’s creepy. Beta-ed by the sweet Skye Lin :) I felt like being a sweetheart author today... So i posted another chapter.... ook me a couple days to finish this chapter... Hope you'll like it! Still, inspired by reading too much angst fanfics~ My head has gone mental all of the angst! enjoy~*
The room smelled fresh—almost sporty, not feminine like he had thought it would be when he first came into the white-red room, considering it was Elle’s room. Jaejoong always sprayed his favourite perfume here and there, annoying him nonchalantly in their room. He looked over his shoulder at the sleeping Ayden and moved his right hand, touching small bumps where he knew Ayden’s little feet were hidden under the thick blanket. He traced his slim fingers over the material, recalling a memory that etched deeply in his head. It was so deep that he thought the memory was carved to his heart too.
“How on earth can loving you not be fucking worth it?”
The confusion he had when he heard that was overwhelming. Things he had done next were even more confusing. He realized everything he was doing, but it didn’t feel like he was doing it at all. It felt like he was standing at the edge of his living room, staring at his own body doing things on its own accord. His mouth flew over Jaejoong’s with a painful force, knocking both their teeth together as their lips collided, stinging a little where he could taste the copper-like taste blood.
He closed his eyes, pressing his mouth back to taste Jaejoong even more. Jaejoong returned his desperate kiss slowly. He still remembered how Jaejoong’s pliant kiss affected him back then; how their mouths were barely open, tongue reaching out and swiping so lightly against each other, making his insides jump and warm up at the same time.
When he pulled away, he found Jaejoong’s hazy eyes staring back at him. He was stuck on Jaejoong’s expression, staring at him, eyes half lidded and breathing rapidly. It surprised him; the mere second seemed to be too long.
“Wasn’t I mad at you just now?” He asked tiredly. The only thing he managed to do at that time was lean his head forward and rest it against the other male’s shoulder. They were the same height. He felt Jaejoong’s strong arms drape over his slim waist, hugging him close. Their bodies mould each other perfectly. He practically leaned his entire front to Jaejoong’s body, anchoring to him like broken limbs. He felt Jaejoong’s chin rest at the side of his head.
Why did he feel like this was where he belonged? He breathed deeply, resting his head at the crook of Jaejoong’s neck. When he exhaled, he felt Jaejoong’s body shiver a little.
“Why did you do this to me?” he heard himself asking.
“Yoochun—“Jaejoong started to retort. His voice sounded husky, yet he could sense the fucked up sounds too, so he cut him off.
“I don’t want this.” He felt like dying, saying those words, and then he remembered the tight feeling in his heart when he felt Jaejoong’s chest heaving against his. He realized Jaejoong was hurting too, so he lifted his head from Jaejoong’s shoulder just to meet Jaejoong’s wet gaze.
“You have to stop it. I can’t do this.” His voice seemed to fade away. When Jaejoong groaned, trying to protest, he couldn’t stop himself from shutting him off again. “I don’t want this, dammit!” he tried to free himself from Jaejoong’s strong arms. The broken expression he saw in Jaejoong’s face tore his heart badly.
“Did you love him that much?” Jaejoong loosened his arms, hesitantly releasing Yoochun. His eyes were searching for the truth. Did he love Junsu that much? He didn’t know. He just didn’t know. It didn’t feel right all of sudden. Junsu had never asked him that question before. They just had a mutual understanding that they were attracted to each other. They mutually understood that they liked being close to each other. How would he know if he loved Junsu that much? They had only kissed once, and the realization hit him hard again. He didn’t feel the same spark he had felt just now.
“Did you?” Jaejoong just wouldn’t stop. He had every intention of digging his feelings out at that moment. He still remembered how Jaejoong’s left hand caressed his right cheek; how his warm thumb traced his cheekbone in a killingly slow manner.
“I don’t know. Damn, I no longer know.” He remembered clearly how his body betrayed his screaming brain when he leaned into Jaejoong’s feathery touch over his cheek. He closed his eyes, unwilling to see what would come next. Jaejoong’s dusty lips sought his endearingly. He leaned back, pressing his whole length over the other male’s body. He saw it again. The spark that his mother always said he would see when he met someone he would love forever. The question was, did he love Jaejoong?
He felt Jaejoong’s hand start to roam from his upper shoulder, brushing his clavicle down to his tight stomach, encircling his left arm over his waist and pulling him closer. Although his brain was screaming for him to stop the inappropriate situation, his hands did the exact opposite, returning Jaejoong’s touch with equal passion.
When Jaejoong pulled over, trying to catch his breath, his mouth betrayed him, chasing Jaejoong’s swollen lips and sought it more fiercely than before. His fingers intertwined in his short silky brown hair, pulling Jaejoong’s face closer to him, wanting to explore his deep warmth. It felt strange kissing a guy. It was weird, but still nice. He went rigid when he felt Jaejoong’s hand tugging at his belt, but Jaejoong managed to coax him to be more relaxed with his pliant kiss.
He tried to tell Jaejoong to stop, but failed in his attempt when he felt the other male’s already hard member rubbing against his thigh. Stop, please... He heard his head beg him to stop the willing mouth and tongue battle.
“Stop.” His own breath ragged from lacking of air. Jaejoong looked slightly offended. His face flushed into a deep red colour, lips pursed. He inwardly cursed his stupid self for thinking how adorable Jaejoong look at that moment, how sexy he looked with the flickering anger in his eyes. “This is wrong.” Jaejoong frowned at his remarks.
“I don’t care, and I know you actually want this too.” He remembered being ashamed at Jaejoong’s remarks. Jaejoong obviously had felt his arousal. “I love you. It’s okay with me if you hate me after this, and I just want you to know that I love you so much that it hurts. I want you to feel the pain I feel right now. I know I’m being selfish, but I know you too want this.” Jaejoong’s gaze was drilling into his confused one before capturing his mouth again in forcing manners.
The thing that he hated the most was letting him melt away in it. He complied with every single move Jaejoong made on him. The next thing he knew, he was on his bed, covered with his silky thick blanket, naked and sweaty, cuddling in the other male’s warm embrace, sobbing his heart inwardly unable to decide if he would ever regret doing what he had done in the past few hours. He could clearly remember the pain he felt at that moment; mentally and physically sick. His body gave out an involuntary shiver. He could still feel Jaejoong’s warm arms pulling him closer.
“I hate you; you know that, don’t you?” He said that as a matter of fact, earning him a tighter hug from the older male. Unnoticeable silent tears start to wet his pillow.
“I’m sorry, but I do love you.” He shuddered at the breeze of Jaejoong’s breath over his bare shoulder. He couldn’t figure out why he felt sudden warmth when he heard the statement that came out of Jaejoong’s mouth. He stayed still, trying not to bother that he was on a bed with another male, feeling the other’s sweaty sleek skin over his own.
It was several hours after the whole thing and he could still feel the shame creeping up his skin. It bothered him so much throughout the hours that by the time the sun-ray stung his eyes, he felt panicked, wanting to get rid of the older man’s embrace. He was having the strongest urge of wanting to clean his body from all the remaining of last night- dried sweat, semen, and all the memories. He never thought about this before, but now he was asking himself over and over again about his sexual orientation. Did he really fall for guys? Did his sudden disgust come from his sudden realization of his inability to love them back? Or did he actually felt dirty because he felt like he had just betrayed Junsu? If it was so, why did it feel terribly right last night?
He tried to move. His lower back felt awfully sore. He winced at the pain and heard Jaejoong groans from behind him. Then, he felt Jaejoong’s palm connect to his bare back. “Where are you going?” he asked. His voice was caught in his throat. His eyes stung from the urge of holding back his tears. He felt frustrated and violated.
“Leave me alone.” He managed to sit on the edge of the bed. He didn’t even care if Jaejoong saw his naked backside. His pride had already battered. He felt Jaejoong sit up on the bed, joining him staring through the white windowsill. He heard him sigh deeply.
“I don’t regret any of this, and I’m not going to apologize.” Jaejoong’s voice sounded so soft. He felt Jaejoong’s chin resting on top of his left shoulder from his back. Jaejoong’s well toned upper body was pressed on his left backside.
“Leave me, please...” He could only ask for that. The confusion was killing him. He had to think alone. He moved away and got off the bed, putting on his jeans and turned his back at Jaejoong’s naked figure. A white sheet was covering his lower part.
Yoochun saw how Jaejoong seemed to think about his words carefully. He had turn his gaze over his shoulder, looking at Jaejoong’s frustrated eyes. Words seemed to be stuck in his throat as he voiced out, weak and nervous. “If you really don’t want this, I’ll...leave.”
Those words clouded Yoochun’s mind like a sand storm. A sudden emptiness rushed in his stomach, as if everybody in this world had just left him alone for that moment.
Confusion mirrored over his eyes. He stood still, looking at Jaejoong’s moving figure, picking up his abandoned shirt and jacket. Then, Jaejoong stood straight in front of him, staring at his half-naked form. He gripped his palm hard when he noticed Jaejoong’s reluctant stare.
“I mean it. If you really don’t want this, just think of last night as a vivid dream... I can leave...” Jaejoong said meekly as if his confidence had long gone with his anger. He thought Jaejoong had lost all of his energy to argue and console him. He couldn’t sleep at all last night, shivering in the older man’s arm, so Jaejoong might think that he had broken him. He would love to torture Jaejoong that way. He didn’t know what he wanted at that time. It seemed that Jaejoong noticed it. He turned away, leaving Jaejoong in that room to wherever his feet would bring him to sulk or sleep or die—alone. He needed to think.
Jaejoong grabbed his right arm to stop him. “I’m sorry. I really am, but I will not take back what I’ve said before. You are important to me. For the last time, I just want you to know that I love you. I really do.” Then, before he got the chance to walk away, Jaejoong did the same, turning away and heading to the door.
The brief flash he had caught on the other’s face mixed with his own shame and made his heart ache more than ever. He saw Jaejoong’s frustration and resentment. He just knew he would never want the older man to feel that way. He just needed some time to think; he never meant to hurt the other person. He just need some time to figure out his true feelings, so he did the only thing he thought relevant to do at that time. He grabbed Jaejoong’s hands, stopping him from walking away.
Jaejoong looked at him with a puzzled expression. He couldn’t even say a word to tell Jaejoong that he had forgiven him and that he didn’t want Jaejoong to really leave him that way, so he slipped his hand around Jaejoong’s neck and kissed him slowly. He hoped Jaejoong understood his intention. He gathered all his strength to say what he really wanted to say to Jaejoong at that moment.
“Just leave if you wanted to, I don’t really care” He said it finally. Jaejoong’s hurt look after realizing the meaning of his words was excruciating, and then he quietly added, “But that doesn’t mean I want you too.” He really did. He still needed Jaejoong to be with him, maybe forever. Jaejoong had always been there for him. He couldn’t imagine his life without Kim Jaejoong. He heard Jaejoong gasp for air as the realization hit him. He felt relief.
“I just need some time to think this over. I still need you, hyung, no matter what.”
Jaejoong nodded his head, looking straight in his eyes, understanding his needs. “I’m sorry if I hurt you.” He heard such agony in Jaejoong’s apology. They were both so fucked up. Even if they could turn time back, he didn’t know if he’d ever want to change what had happen last night. So this time, he just let his own accord loosen up a bit, leaning in when he saw Jaejoong leaned forward to kiss him. He felt a little ashamed and dirty when he, who had been pushing Jaejoong off last night, was now openly leaning forward to catch Jaejoong’s lips as if he would be dragged down by gravity if he didn’t. Inwardly, he thought it over and over whether he loved the man he was kissing chastely. The answer was rather vivid. He still saw Junsu at the end of his guilt tunnel.
He broke their kiss. He saw Jaejoong dazed with confusion. “Um... I have appointment with SM this afternoon, and then I have another appointment with my doctor. I have to get ready now.” He looked away, trying to avoid Jaejoong’s gaze.
“Alright then, see you later?” He felt Jaejoong brushing his unruly bangs away from his eyes, smiling genuinely at him while doing so.
“Yeah, see you later. Can you take Ayden to the playground this evening? I don’t think I can take him today. ”
“Huh? Oh, okay... I’ve promised to cook for him actually. So, you’ll fetch him around eight?”
“Okay, goodbye.” Jaejoong walked out the door hesitantly.
“No… Maybe earlier than that… I’ll call you.”
When Jaejoong’s figure was gone, he fell to his knees as if he had lost all of his strength to stand. He felt like sleeping forever, so he curled his body on the lush black carpet and closed his eyes.
He sighed deeply. “What have I done?” He asked himself, hiding his face in both of his hands.
The feeling of Ayden’s little feet kicking his thigh snapped him back to reality. He shushed his son to go back to his sleep. He swept his gaze over his watch, looking at the time. It was only ten o’clock in the evening. He didn’t have any clue as to where Elle was right now. He laid his tired body next to Ayden and closed his eyes, trying to lull his tired mind by listening to Ayden’s slow breathing sounds before another memory hit him in his half-asleep state.
Elle sighed at the sight. Yoochun and Ayden were sleeping soundly on her bed. Her dad told her to tell Yoochun to sleep in her younger brother’s room, but apparently Yoochun already drifted to sleep. “Where’s Yoochun?” She heard her dad’s voice asking. She just directed her glance over the sleeping figures. Her dad chuckled deeply. “They must’ve been tired. You should go to sleep. You have to work tomorrow.”
“Dad, I love you.” She kissed her dad’s cheek. Her dad look at her, confused.
“I just felt like saying that. Haha...” Elle smiled.
To be continued....
It felt weird writing light yaoi... T___T i'll go crazy if i continue writing yaoi... to tone down this embarrassing moment, let's listen to Kim Junsu's recent OST for the latest K-drama Scent Of A Woman. This is a beautiful song. So beautiful that I cried listening to it. You guys might wanna go check on the Music Removed too. Damn, this guy has angelic voice!