I LOVE HIM NOT, MAYBE~
*A/N: Listening to Taylor Swift’s Invisible.*
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- Back to Elle’s POV-
“You need to make him go back to Seoul, Elle! You have no other choice.” I swallow the lump I’m imagining existed in my throat. My body is shaking. Ryn’s voice over the telephone echoes in my head, thumping. It creates a new headache. I move my left fingers to massage my throbbing temple.
“How is that, Ryn? Even Jaejoong couldn’t! I can’t just chase him out of my house! He got Ayden with him for god sake! Gosh, Ryn... Help me!” My voice sounds nasally. I’ve been crying and my nose is starting to get runny. I use my palm to clean my wet face. I must’ve look like a mad girl. “I’m running out of time here, Ryn. I wish I could take his place. He’s suffering! If only you saw him last night, Ryn.” I sense Ryn been crying too by the soft sound of someone sobbing at the end of the phone. Something sharp was definitely been stabbed straight to my heart over and over again. We’re both sobbing, failed in our attempt to hold our tears back.
“Can’t we just send him to our local hospital? The private one should be okay, right?” Ryn tried to suggest a brilliant idea. But I immediately remember that Uncle Jeff told me it’ll be easier and safer if Yoochun is referred to his personal doctor.
“No, it’s risky to do that. Plus he’s trying to avoid media’s attention. Having a superstar at airport is something people will leave to pass, but having them seen on hospital bed is something different. It’ll be chaotic.” I hold my breath. It’ll be much easier if he is just a normal guy. Dammit.
“He can’t just die like that! Ayden needs him!” I whispered firmly. I came to realise that Yoochun was not simply being worried over Ayden because he is sick- for having fever. He is worrying over Ayden because he knew he might never be there to see Ayden grow. Then, the purpose of proposing me earlier this morning might be the cause of his desperation to have someone protecting Ayden. My heart clenches even more painfully.
“Did he know that you already knew?” Ryn’s voice sounds raspy.
“No, but the best thing to do right now is to tell him that I know about it. I’ll do anything to get him back to Seoul.” Inside me, I am actually not having the confidence to confront Yoochun. “I wonder if Jaejoong and the others knew about his sickness.”
“I bet he knew! It seems like he knew. You know what, I think I’m gonna call him right away, digging everything out from him clean!”
“Yeah, you do that Ryn. I have to think over what I’m going to do to save Yoochun.” I paused for a moment before adding, “I need to know how much time he still had.” I heard Ryn gasp as she heard the latter. “Thank you, Ryn. I need to get inside. My mum must’ve freaked out. I haven’t feed Yoochun yet like she told me to. Bye.” Ryn silently said ‘bye’ back and hung up.
I sigh. My eyes wander around the back lawn of my house. Both were blurred by the tears streaming non-stop. I am sitting on a bench under a shady big Rambutan tree. I heard some noise came from my neighbour’s house. Then I saw Mak Senah chasing her naughty 16 years old daughter Joyah out of the house with a broom made of coconut leave’s stick. They are forever like that. Fighting like cat and dog. The scene always made me laugh, but not today. I can’t make myself laugh at all.
“Oi Lea, what are you doing?!” Mak Senah was asking me all of sudden. I just smiled weakly at her standing form. Then she continues chasing her screaming daughter after that. She’s the only person on earth who had refused to call me Elle. I chose to ignore them. My chest hurt so much. I gasped for more air. I stare at the coconut trees planted all over the back lawn. I always love to look at them when the afternoon wind struck them. They look so lively. Imitating the breeze, gracefully waving their long leaves along-looking happy. Peaceful. But why can’t I feel the same peaceful feeling as I always get before?
“Elle, why are you sitting here? I told you to feed Yoochun, right?” I heard my mum’s foot step walking nearing me. I desperately use my sleeves to erase any evidence of tears and snot that must have been marring my face. I don’t want my mum to notice that I’m crying my eyes out. She’ll be worried. But the more I tried to sweep away my tears, the more it came out flooding my cheeks. I can’t breathe. I swallow the choking sound my throat threatening to emit. I can perfectly feel my shoulder shaking violently.
“Elle? Hey, what’s happening?” I felt my body being grabbed into a warm embrace as my mum saw my crying state. I try so hard to hold myself from releasing any sound. I bit my lips so hard that I thought it’ll bleed. It’s so painful. My heart clenches in extreme uneasiness. It hurt so much.
“Hey, tell me. Why are you crying like this?” My mum grasped both of my shoulders, making me sitting straight. “Elle, look at me. Tell me.” She used her sleeves to clean my wet face. There’s a deep worries, etched on her slightly wrinkled face. I can’t utter even a word to explain the hurt I’m feeling right now. If words can tell, I’d tell her the bitterness I’m feeling at the moment.
“Elle, don’t tell me you love him.” My eyes widen in shock. What is my mum talking about? Loving who? In this hazy heart wrenching moment, I can’t find any conclusion for my mum’s words. Love? Love is not a foreign word to me. I’d loved almost everything. I always found love even in the most disgusting thing in the world before, but why my mum’s remarks manage to make me as confused as this?
“Yoochun,” My mum’s eyes is gazing straight into mine. “You cannot let your heart slips to love him.” There’s a major seriousness in my mum’s words. I blinked my hazy eyes a couple of time. My mum then adds, “He’s not for you. He’ll break your heart even more,” Despite her hard words, her eyes were dwelled with something warm. “He’s dying, Elle.” I gasp at her final remarks. So my mum knew about it. The ultimate cause that makes me slumped in this current state.
I remember forcing my uncle to reveal Yoochun’s health state. I remember he said he can’t tell me anything since it’ll offend his professional ethics. I remember how I beg him to not telling me about all of it, how I made him sigh heavily as he heard me starting to cry as I get frustrated and desperate. I perfectly knew I’m not dreaming when Uncle Jeff told me that Park Yoochun, the heartthrob, the man that I’ve started to know more than just an artist, the man that I would never imagine to meet in my real life, the man that I always dreamt to touch, is dying.
“No, mum. I don’t love him. I don’t love him at all. I hate him.” I silently told my mum what I felt at the moment. I’m really honest about my feeling right now. I hate him. Truthfully, I hate him. I felt like killing him with my own hands right now for appearing in my life. I felt like murdering him for bringing Ayden in my life. For making me believe that things like magic and love sparks are real. He made me believe that I’m important to someone. I don’t want to blame god over this thing. It’s rather stupid and silly. I fucked up myself when I make that decision last week to wander alone at Petaling Street.
“Elle, you have to make him go home. He needs his family more than us here. He needs to get appropriate treatments. He can get it all here, but Uncle Jeff said it’ll be much better if he is treated by his personal doctors. “My mum paused. “I don’t hate him at all, Elle. In fact, he’s already like a son to me, but I see what’s getting on between you two. I have to protect you- both of you.” My mum stays soundless for a while. She seems trying to find better words to be told to me. “He’ll break your heart more than Adam had before.”
I knew Adam’s name would arise. Things were different with Adam before. I am immature, too young and stupid. I break down when things between me and Adam didn’t work out. I sighed. “Mum, things were different between Adam and Yoochun. You don’t have to worry, mum.” I try to give her my best smile. “I care for Yoochun and Ayden. I don’t know if I love Yoochun, but I care for him. I care for Ayden too. It hurts me so much for knowing Ayden might lose his daddy.” I felt another stream of warm salty liquid crossing my cheek.
My mum pulls me into another embrace. Shaking me back and forth as if the action could diminish the bitterness I’m feeling right at the moment. “I’m so worried that you’ll get hurt, Elle. He’s different. I knew it from the moment I saw him, Elle. Plus, there’s Ayden.” I nod my head. Ayden. At four, that child could make any heart melt as soon as their eyes reach him.
“Mum, don’t worry too much. I’m fine.” I again, use my sleeve to clean my face. I can perfectly felt my eyes went puffy. “Let’s get some ice for your eyes. Ayden would be freaked out if he saw your swollen face.” I felt my mum’s fingers pushing away my bangs. The mention of Ayden’s name grew another urge in me to cry all over again.
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to be continued....
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