Jika terdapat sebarang cadangan, anda boleh menyatakan candangan anda di mana-mana entri yang dipos-lajukan di sini. Sebarang hasutan berunsur fitnah adalah tidak dibenarkan di sini.

Thursday, July 21, 2011



*A/N: Update~! Just a warning. This fic gonna have yaoi-ish stuff from now on lols! This one is author’s POV, not Elle’s. Thanks for the generous review and comments... New readers, thanks for reading! To Skye Lin, thanks for your hard work beta-ing this chap :)*


“Guide book… check… articles… check…” He was mumbling to himself as the hairs on the back of his neck started to prickle again. He could sense people staring at him ever since he stepped into the airport that afternoon, but the girl who sat two seats across his succeeded in wrecking his nerves. “Stop staring at me,” his patience whacked. He sent a glare to the girl who had been ogling him since their flight departed two hours ago.

The young girl smiled nervously at him. Jaejoong inhaled as much air as his lungs could afford to accommodate to calm his irritation. That girl must be a fan. He shouldn’t act that way to a fan. “What can I do for you?” He asked, trying to sound genuine and not bothered. The effect was rather fast. The girl practically shoved a CD and a marker right in his face. She was not literally shoving it, but her lightning fast reflexes, his brain only managed to process it as shoving.

“May I have your autograph?” She asked with hopeful eyes. She was now sitting next to him.

Jaejoong’s heart softened a bit and he took the CD and marker, asking, “What’s your name?” He signed the Mirotic CD, the silver marker looking slick on it.

“It’s Min Ah. Kim Min Ah… Can you also write that you love me?” She giggled at her own request. Jaejoong just smiled. Fans had been requesting him to write that commonly, so he nodded his head, writing sentence down.

“Here you go,” He gave her the autographed CD back. She smiled happily, practically jumping back to her seat, hugging the CD tight to her chest. Jaejoong couldn’t stop himself from smiling. The fans… Their fans… His fans… They were one of the reasons why they are still standing tall right now. He almost forgot his gratitude for them. He sighed. The girl was still clutching the CD with adoration, smiling to it every now and then.

“Hey, Kim Min Ah,” He called. The girl turned her gaze to him with a wide smile.


“You forgot your marker,” He waved the marker with his left hand. Min Ah came to him and took the marker, expressing her gratitude and bowed her head a couple of times while smiling nervously. Jaejoong smiled back at her. “Min Ah-sshi, thank you very much.”

“For what, Oppa?” The girl look puzzled.

“For supporting us; and for being there for us…” He smiled warmly.

“Oh! Of course, Oppa… We always keep our faith! Be strong, okay? We love you!” That girl’s eyes were gleaming with full supportive warmth. Jaejoong nodded his head. The girl said her thanks and went back to her seat.

He unzipped his black bag; taking out some articles and photos, matching out the information he got from the internet with the Malaysia Tourist Guide book he bought during the last time they had their concert there. He tried to find the hotel’s name, and the train station mentioned in the articles he found from a Malaysian fan’s blog. When he finished marking and planning his next move, he shoved them all back into the black designer bag.

He glanced back at the girl; she was sleeping with the CD still in her hands. His heart felt a sudden rush of warmth. He laid his back to the seat, closed his eyes and tried to get some sleep, but then, he heard him. He heard his voice at the very back of his head.

Don’t you dare say those words to me! You are killing me if you dare!

His eyes snapped back, wide open—wider than it ever was before. That was how it had been since Yoochun left.


He remembered all of it; the entire thing that had been killing him from inside lately—the tight feeling he got whenever that person was around—the feeling of that person staying by his side through thick and thin, and the sickness he suffered whenever that person curled in pain. He bled when that person bled. He did, all inwardly. The trouble with loving a person who doesn’t have a clue that you love him is... You bleed on your own, without him knowing, and that hurts… very much.


They just got home after a long day of recording for a Japanese program. Everyone was exhausted and famished, just as Changmin claimed when he stepped out off their van. Earlier that week, their lawyer called telling him about their lawsuit progress. He told him about some shocking information that he had never realized before. He told him about the other two who joined him in filing the case against their employer. The fan service-based couple, Yoosu, was actually a real couple. His heart was heavy, clotting with something he had never felt before. A single hatred… or so he thought, because he started to hate seeing the other two laughing together. He started to feel annoyed whenever they held hands, even when they joked around. That day, accurately a week after he was informed of the Yoosu affair, he couldn’t hold it in anymore.

They were all starving, so they gathered in the kitchen, feasting over the meals brought back by their manager, eating quietly. He could clearly see Junsu flirting with that person. He tried to feed that person with his spoon, and they laughed happily. He couldn’t bear to watch them. He still didn’t know why he can’t, but he just knew he’d throw up if he didn’t run away, so he roared.

“Can you both stop?!” He slammed the chopstick he was holding on the table. The other four looked at him like he had just gone mental.

“Ya, hyung... What’s with you? Are you okay?” Junsu’s soft voice reached his ears like a storm. That person just stared at him with a confused frown. It hurt, so he left.

Starting from that day, he couldn’t stop himself from being mean to the others. Some started to say that he had turn out to be a cold-hearted bastard, and others says that he had gone loony. He could never utter any good words when talking to the other two. He started to ignore Changmin and Yunho, and he didn’t even know why. He only knew that he was hurt—badly, and he tried so hard to mend it. He saw grief in everything, and he asked his heart how he could lose his will after losing something he never had. He felt like dying after that, but he couldn’t. He saw Ayden at the end of the day, smiling to him and needing someone to stand with him. He saw something bright then, but still he couldn’t color his life back to its normal rainbow.


He remembered, it was the day they finished their schedule and flew back to Seoul. He thought things would get better. His body was sore from all the hectic concerts and shows they had done in Japan; he just wanted to sleep, forever, but not before he said something to hurt Junsu. His grudge on Junsu was still clotting in his veins—grudges over things that Junsu didn’t know he did. Poor Junsu… but he couldn’t stop. If he stopped, he’d be as good as dead over his painful jealousy. He knew it was childish, but he had to before he lost his mind completely.

He still remembered how his wrist hurt so much when Yoochun pulled him out of the house forcefully just to stop him from harassing his lover. It hurt. It hurt him the most when the worst body part hurting was not his right wrist, but his goddamn heart. Everything seemed to go in slow motion, killing him to watch the other person full of anger, dragging him out to the parking lot. He could perfectly remember how graceful Yoochun moved while dragging him. No man was supposed to move with that fluid grace. How on earth could his heart skip beats whenever that man’s angry gaze fell on his nervous one?

He felt his body slam over his car. His back might be bruised, considering how hard it smashed against the rearview mirror. He winced at the pain, trying to fight back the urge to slam the other male with the same amount of strength.

“Hyung, you better tell me what’s going on with you! I’m tired of all this! Tell me!” Yoochun asked him with transparent anger and frustration. He didn’t have any answers for that, so he just kept quiet.

“What were you thinking?!” He heard Yoochun screaming at him. He looked around, trying to find any hint of stalkers or the paparazzi.

“Do you love him that much?” He knew his voice was barely passing a whisper, but by the look of Yoochun’s facial expression, he assumed he actually heard him.


“Do you love Junsu that much?!” He raised his voice. He was sick of holding it back. He felt his shoulders starting to get wet. He moved gaze up, looking at the summer’s night sky. There’re no stars. There were heavy droplets of rain starting to wet the earth and the both of them. He heard Yoochun unlock his car, drag him over the black Porsche, and shove him into the passenger’s seat. Yoochun even fastened the seat belt for him. Everything was vivid, yet fast. Yoochun drove them back to his house.

He remembered that night, Yoochun’s house was empty. Yoohwan, Ayden and Mrs. Park were nowhere to be found. He heard keys being thrown onto the glass coffee table in the middle of the living room. They were both now standing in the cold dark living room.

“Tell me, what’s bothering you so much.” Yoochun walked to him in killingly slow motion. He battled inwardly with all the things he wanted to say, wanted to share, wanted to... He didn’t know what else he wanted. Step by step, he walked backwards trying to keep his distance from the angry Yoochun until his back connected with the cold, gray wall. Yoochun was standing barely a foot away from him. Their clothes almost touched. He felt both of Yoochun’s hands grasping his shoulders painfully; he winced. He closed his eyes, unable to look at Yoochun right now, not while Yoochun had that angry look adorning his face.

“Do you love him that much?” He repeated his unanswered question. Yoochun had a confused look on his face.

“What? Of course, Jaejoongie…” Yoochun wet his lips before continuing, “I love him. I love all of you all the same. Why is that bothering you?” Yoochun’s gaze turned warm, looking straight into his eyes.

“No, tell me if you really love him!” He forced it out. He had to make Yoochun understand the meaning of his query.

“Dammit, hyung! Why does that matter to you?!”

He sighed, “I hate seeing you and Junsu. It kills me.” He said it finally. Jaejoong saw Yoochun’s eyes widen in shock. A realization struck him hard like lightning.

“Hyung... Ya... Jaejoongie... Please... Don’t—“Yoochun closed his eyes, trying to deny everything he had just heard, but was cut by Jaejoong’s sudden movement. His eyes snapped open when he felt Jaejoong’s calloused palms on both sides of his face.

It was quick… Only a second… A goddamn second that felt like hours… Jaejoong knew Yoochun’s dusty pink lips would be that smooth. He kissed him swiftly, barely touching his equally dusty soft lips against Yoochun’s, then, everything started to break like hell was breaking loose in that cold room.

Yoochun pushed him off. His head collided with the hard wall and his whole backside was screaming in pain after being pushed roughly like that. He almost flinched, but didn’t. Instead, he clenches his hands—trying to feel both of his shoulders in Yoochun’s grip and realized they were numb.


“Shut up!”


“What the fuck was that?!” Yoochun snarled at him. Jaejoong could clearly see Yoochun’s jaw clench hard, a second too late for him to realize that Yoochun was actually mad enough with his previous action to hurt him. Yoochun slammed him against the hard wall, hard enough that he finally gave out and cries in pain when his head make contact with the wall for the second time that night. Yoochun’s eyes drilled straight into his. Jaejoong could only stare back. He opened his mouth to retort.

“No! Don’t you dare say those words to me! You are killing me if you dare!”

“I—“He felt his throat tighten. The pain at the back of his head was numbing.

“Don’t say it! It’s not worth it! Don’t be a fucking idiot.” 

He stared at Yoochun who had something akin to resentment and confusion. He couldn’t figure out what it was, but he certainly looked angry. He scowled, and then it hit him; the stupidest and most wonderful idea that all his feelings could be summed up into three stupid little words with eight letters in them, even if they would scar Yoochun, and even if they were embarrassing.

“I love—“He felt Yoochun’s hand covers his mouth with some sort of lightning speed, muffling his words against his right warm and sweaty palm.

“Don’t you fucking dare!!” Yoochun hissed, not noticing the fact that he was pressing into Jaejoong’s body closer than he would have wanted. He was furious. Jaejoong smiled at the blush that crept over Yoochun’s cheekbones.

“Stop fucking smiling, Joongie!” Apparently Yoochun noticed his mouth twitching into a wide smile under his palm. Yoochun’s face was stained with blush he couldn’t prevent.

Jaejoong wondered if that flushed look was earned from the embarrassment he had inflicted or if Yoochun was ashamed of the obvious fact that he wouldn’t let Jaejoong say out loud. 

Jaejoong couldn’t hold his tongue any longer. He had to say it or he’d die in this pain. His own hand grabbed Yoochun’s, the one holding his mouth, and stubbornly said...

“How on earth can loving you be not fucking worth it?” He felt something hot streaming down his cheeks when he asked that question. He saw it on Yoochun’s porcelain face too; his angry eyes betrayed him. His chin and lower lips quivered. Yoochun had unnoticed tears staining his perfect cheeks. Apparently the revelation hit him hard, straight to his heart.

Yes, Jaejoong remembered all of that. He is in fact in love with his roommate—or his so called soul mate.


to be continued....
comments & reviews r most appreciated! XD
i'm so nervous about this chapter... took me 2 days to finish it. sigh... enjoy! ^__^

jom layan lagu lama. 

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