CHAPTER 25: DECADENT
*A/N: I have nothing to say... I’m dead tired.*
It’s one in the morning. He can’t sleep. Both of his pale hands shivered as he clutches the rim of the sink. He felt his whole body shook as he holds himself from having another fit. He felt fragile. Sick. His chest felt tight. No air. So he gasped for more, he stares at his reflection displayed on the wide mirror. He’s pale beyond normal. Sweating like he had been running thousands of mile. His nostril flares as he took as much air as he could afford. Then he coughed again. His eyes felt hot and wet, throat sore, chest burning like he had never felt before. He clasps his left hand onto his mouth, not wanting the others to hear him out. He clutches his right hand over his stomach. The muscle was contracting painfully as he coughs his lungs out. And then he froze. There’s a copper taste inside his mouth. He turns his blurry gaze over his left palm. There’s something wet on it.
He spits the copper taste out into the sink. It’s been like that lately. He continues coughing his lungs out and felt his whole limbs weak. His knees felt like buckling every now and then. He had to hold himself by leaning over the sink. The copper taste of blood became thicker and thicker with every fit coming. His eyes went more blurry as tears starts to dwell in it. He can’t see properly. His hand wanders, trying to reach over the pipe. The pain is killing him.
He wipes his eyes, clearing his vision only to witness blood dripping from his lips onto the tiles over the sink and marring his shirt. He saw it through his reflexion within the mirror. He felt like breaking it until it smashed into pieces. But he’s too weak to move. Another fit came. He just let the sound of it resonating inside the extensive bathroom. He can’t hold it anymore. The pain is excruciating. Once again he felt like losing control over his consciousness. Everything about him felt numb all of sudden.
Someone... Somebody... Save me... Please...
God, why don’t you just kill me now?
His tears mixed up with sweat as they stream down his cheeks. “Jaejoong...” That’s the only word slips out of his mouth at that moment. He needs Jaejoong, his room-mate right away. He’s too weak to scream for the sleeping Jaejoong. He’s losing his consciousness. The pain inside his chest is too much to be handled. The copper taste had already enveloping his throat. He smells blood everywhere. And then he felt them- two strong arms, slipped under his arms, tightly holding him from behind. Unconsciously, he smiled.
Everything was vivid. He blinks his eyes weakly. His eyes felt heavily lidded. He was on the floor, at the edge of the white bathroom. His back was slumped, leaning against the cold white tiled wall. His vision was still hazy and blurry. He saw someone moving real fast, hastily searching for something over the bathroom cabinet. The cabinet. He put some of his emergency medication there. He had just remembered about it.
“Yoochun, eat this.” He heard Jaejoong’s worried voice. He tried to look at the person in front of him but failed. The pain is still blinding him. He let out a small moan. It hurts like hell. Then he felt that person move his upper body to lean over something hard yet soft. It’s warm. An arm wrapped over his shoulder.
“Jaejoong... Is that you?” There’s no answer. Then something invaded his mouth. The copper taste mixed with something bitter. Then there’s liquid-water being down his throat. He can perfectly felt that there is foreign fingers-calloused hand holding his jaw. He almost choked over the bitter things. He coughs some more. The pain he’s feeling still won’t recede. Something was touching his chest, pressing hard while rubbing on his shirt- soothingly trying to reduce the pain. It’s warm.
“Jaejoong...”He called, he was very aware that his consciousness is fleeting away. “I’m tired...” He holds on the arms that has been possessively grasping his upper body. His eyes felt heavier after a moment. Then he heard the other person’s fragile voice, lulling something. A song? He can’t focus. But the voice makes him at ease. The pain, it went away little by little. He falls asleep.
How long has he been on the floor like this? He’s draped under Jaejoong’s arms. He doesn’t need to glance over the owner of those hands, he just knew its Jaejoong. He glanced over the sleeping form of the other male. The cold bathroom seems warm. Maybe because Jaejoong’s body heat kept him warm all this while. He blinks his eyes. He must’ve been unconscious a couple or more hours. Through the bathroom’s window he could see that darkness is still enveloping the neighbourhood. A new wave of sickness hit him again.
No. God, no...
He loosen Jaejoong’s possessive arms, wobbly trying to stand. Again, he leans against the sink. He clasps his left hand over his mouth again- stopping his coughing sound from waking the sleeping Jaejoong. His shoulders shook violently. It’s déjà vu. The copper taste coating his mouth is déjà vu. The painful throb in his burning chest felt like another déjà vu to him. The wet red liquid marring his pale palm was another painful déjà vu to him.
When will you make this stop, God?
He cried. As his gaze falls over his pathetic self complexion over the mirror, a sudden wave of disgust hit him hard. He opens the cabinet next to the mirror desperately. He has to stop all of this. He can’t take it anymore. He’s deteriorating. He was once always felt proud looking at himself over the mirror. But now, he’s nauseating to even look at his own reflexion. He’s pathetically sick, dying, fading. He can’t face the world like this.
What would his beloved mum and dad say if they saw him like this?
What would Yoohwan thought if he saw the older brother that he always looked up for is deteriorating?
What would his friends thought if they saw his fragile self like this?
What would Ayden felt if he knew that his dad is someone weak and pathetic?
What would Elle do if she realised that she’s married to someone as useless as this?
What would his fans felt if they ever realise that one of The Gods of The East, is not a god at all.
He’s just human. Yes. He never thinks of himself as a god. He’s a human with flaws. But his ego won’t let him falls apart just like that. He can’t be seen like this. If god didn’t want to stop all of this, then he would. His eyes caught something flat and shiny over the first rack inside the opened cabinet. His heart thumping like it’s going to burst inside his chest. He found it. A straight razor. He twists the pipe, letting the cold water to flow, pouring inside the white sink. His whole body felt numb- the pain numbing him. He needs to feel again. He needs distraction. He runs the thin blade over the tip of his second finger. He felt nothing. He let the blood flows under the pouring water. He had lost his mind. He didn’t want to die, but he didn’t want to live like this anymore.
He let out a little smile displayed on his feature. There’s no pain at all. Maybe death isn’t painful after all. So it’ll not be painful if he decided to stop all of this nonsense himself, right? He cringed as he felt another wave of sickness came. Using his bloody hand, he covered his mouth. He felt like laughing. He’s starting to feel the pain over the open wound. His bloody finger- it stung a little.
Do you have to play me like this, God?
Go to hell with the pain. He wanted it to stop. He’ll just cut himself. The pain would be blinding- he guessed. Then he’ll lose into deep slumber. Unconscious. He knew that already. Dead if he’s lucky. Then the pain would stop forever. At least he knew the new pain could kill the present one.
He looked over the mirror again. He is pathetic. He needs to kill his pathetic self. He had to. He was about to ran the razor over his left wrist when he heard another voice calling at him from the bathroom door. Waking him up. His gaze falls over his shaking right hand, over his pale fingers that were holding the thin blade. The thin sharp end was already buried into his pale skin. He drags it a little more, cutting his flesh slowly. The feel of his flesh parting beneath the pressure of his fingers was delicate. Red lines formed at the sides of the blade. It stung. He smiled as he saw the colour. It looked so pretty over his ivory skin colour.
“YAA!!! PARK YOOCHUN!!! PUT THAT THING DOWN!!!” It’s Jung Yunho. He was screaming like a panic girl. Yoochun frowns. Yunho’s voice sounds soothingly calm in his head. He saw Yunho hurried to his side. He felt Yunho’s strong hand closed around the one holding the razor. He’s saying something in worried tones. He blinks his bleary eyes. Yunho’s other hand was wrapping his left bloodied hand with a towel, soaking the blood away.
Why can’t you leave me alone this time, God?
Yunho’s loud voice snapped him back into reality. Jaejoong rub his eyes, wanting to loosen his sleepy state. Why is Yunho screaming? His heavy eyes stay unfocused. He turns his gaze over two standing figure in front of him. He tried to focus.
“Yunho?” Jaejoong called. He saw how Yunho’s face looking panic- flushed. He’s standing too close to Yoochun. Yoochun, he looks weird. His whole body was leaning over Yunho’s front. His lower back was connected at the brink of the sink counter, he’s staring over nothing. His eyes looking dead. His head was lolling at the base of Yunho’s shoulder. Yunho’s right hand was clutching to Yoochun’s left wrist.
“Ya, Jaejoong! How can you sleep there and didn’t notice what this bastard do?!”
“Wh-what?” Jaejoong stuttered at his word. He can’t process anything that appears in front of him at the moment. His gaze falls onto the tiled floor, there’re spots of blood. He remembered the bloodied Yoochun he found last night. But there’s no blood on the floor at that time. He thought about it over. Then it hits him. His eyes snapped over Yunho’s right hand that was holding Yoochun’s wrist. There’s a white towel in between it. He saw streams of dark red liquid moving down Yoochun’s left elbow as Yunho raised Yoochun’s left hand higher than their shoulders. The small sounds of blood dripping on the tile snapped him.
“Yoochun! What have you done?!” Jaejoong panicked. “Is he okay?!” He asked Yunho as he realised how Yoochun look like a goner. Yunho shook his head. Jaejoong felt a sudden nausea looking at the bloodied sink.
“Take out the safety kit!” Yunho ordered. Jaejoong obeyed without hesitation. His hands shook as he tried to take out the bandage and some liquid to disinfect the wound. He gasped as Yunho took away the towel. There’s a thin open wound across Yoochun’s inner wrist. It doesn’t look deep, but the blood still won’t stop flowing. Sloppily he tried to treat the wound.
“Hyung? What’s happening? You’re so noisy!” Changmin came all of sudden. His sleepy state was snapped away when he realised what cause the early morning noise. “Yoochun! Hyung! Are you okay?!” Changmin panicked too as he saw Yoochun’s state.
“Changmin, call Dr.Lee! Hurry!” Yunho shouts.
“Where’s my phone?!” Changmin was looking lost as he panicked over the situation. Yunho who had calmed down a little took out his phone and threw it over to Changmin. Shaking, Changmin dialled Dr. Laila Lee’s number.
“If you wanted to die so badly, you should’ve just told me! I myself will do the honour to kill you, you stupid bastard!” Yunho voiced his anger- seething by the idiocy of his beloved member. Then he heard Yoochun let out a weak chuckle. He tightens his grip over Yoochun’s upper body as he felt how Yoochun starts to shake. Yoochun must’ve been insane to ever think to wound himself like a coward like that.
“I’m a coward.” Yoochun weakly admit his cowardice. He’s too weak to move. He just let Yunho’s strong body supporting his limp one. “I wanna end this pain.” He closed his eyes as he felt another fit coming. Yunho’s grasp tighten. The copper taste renewed in his mouth. He opens his heavy eyes as he felt something soft pressed on his lips. He saw Changmin gazing sadly at him; it was Changmin who had wiped his bloodied lips. He blinks his eyes again. He smiled a little at Changmin. Hoping his gratitude reach the younger one.
“Hyung!” Changmin burst into tears. He pulled both Yoochun and Yunho into his embrace. His sobs were the only sound that resonates within the white walls.
“Ya! Changmin!” Yunho was outraged as Changmin hugged them and sobbing. His calm composure is breaking as he felt the same wave of sadness hit him. He always manages to hide his sadness. He always shows to others his best composed self. But tonight he just knew he can’t keep it that way. The situation is just heartbreaking. “Don’t cry, Minnie...” His own voice shook. Unconsciously, he’s crying too. He turns his gaze over Jaejoong shaking hands.
Jaejoong pale face gave out a full concentration expression. He tried his best to stop the bleeding. He even put double plasters over Yoochun’s wounded second finger. He let out a heavy relief sigh as he manages to finish the dressing. Then he turns his gaze over Yoochun’s limp features. His heart aches in the most painful way. As if someone had crushed it with a single blow.
“You are about to end this pain, Yoochun.” Jaejoong said firmly. “Can’t you just be patient?” He sighs. He wraps both his arms over Yoochun, hugging him tightly even though Yunho and Changmin had already hugged their dying brother. It was their most heartbreaking group hug. This is not a common group hug they always do when they won awards. This is not their common group hug as there’s no Junsu around to cheer them up. This is not their celebration group hug as they are about to lose one of their dear member. “Your operation is tomorrow, if you really wanna die and leave us, did it with pride, on the operation table.” Jaejoong stated as a matter fact.
Yoochun gasp for air. “I don’t wanna die.” His shaking voice wrenched the other three’s heart. As if they’re going to die too. Yunho had long ago hid his face at the side of Yoochun’s head. Changmin’s sobs had long stop, replaced by inaudible whimpers. “I’m scare...” Yoochun closed his eyes as he felt Jaejoong kissed the side of his head. There’s nothing gay he felt out of Jaejoong’s kiss. He knew Jaejoong just wanna comfort him.
“We’re all here. You don’t have to be scare.” Though Jaejoong tried to sound like he’s confident in showing Yoochun that nothing will harm him, but the visible shake in his husky voice proved the other way around to Yoochun. Jaejoong is just as scared as he is. “I have a good feeling about your operation. You know how my intuition always right, right?” Jaejoong pulls his face away; just to make Yoochun saw his smiling face. “You’re gonna be just fine.” He smiled genuinely, trying to convince Yoochun.
“Really, Jaejoong?” His voice, unmistakably had Ayden’s childish- curious vibes. His eyes were secondly full with false hope. Jaejoong nod his head. His heart broke even more. He can’t guarantee Yoochun anything, just false hope.
“Elle said she’ll kill you herself if you’re dead.” Jaejoong smiled as he heard Yoochun chuckles weakly.
“How’s she going to kill me if I’m already dead?” He asked. Jaejoong felt a sudden relief as he saw Yoochun’s angst features slightly replaced with amused one.
“I don’t know. She’s scary... I bet she can kill you twice! She beats the hell out of me the other night, remember?” Jaejoong tried to distract Yoochun with the funny memory of their night at Elle’s house, when Elle beats the crap out of him when he tried to force a kiss on Yoochun. He heard Yoochun let out a small laugh. His face brightens even more.
Jaejoong felt a pang of jealousy as he realize on how Yoochun’s expression brighten by a single mentioned of Elle’s name. He pushed away his sudden jealousy. He shouldn’t feel anything of that sort right at the moment. Whoever or whatever could make Yoochun happy is anything he’d gratitude for. He inwardly swore, as long as Yoochun’s happy, even if Elle’s the one that can make Yoochun grow stronger, he’ll accept it. He didn’t even care right now.
“This girl, Elle, she’s the one taking care of Ayden, right?” Yunho asked, more to Jaejoong than Yoochun. Jaejoong answer him with a single yes. “I really wanna meet her. She’s special, right Yoochun?” Yunho felt his arms turning numb as he’s the one supporting Yoochun’s body weight at the moment. Changmin seems to notice it as he felt Changmin’s grip over Yoochun’s body become tighter- lifting the weight. He heard Yoochun let out another weak laughs.
“The only girl I’ve ever thought of marrying.” Yoochun confessed honestly. It shocked all of them. “She’s ordinary. Too ordinary that I thought she’s perfect for Ayden.” He sighs of the sudden content felling he’s feeling at the moment. “I want Ayden to have someone ordinary to raise him.” Yoochun smiled. He had forgotten why he’s being hugged that way.
“Really, hyung?” Changmin asked. He’s no longer sobbing. He smiled at Yoochun, genuinely. He too saw how Yoochun’s sadden expression change a bit as he told them about Ayden and Elle. He’s glad that Yoochun’s getting back to his old happy self bit by bit. He hates the angst-y Yoochun as much as he hates seeing the black-mood Junsu and Jaejoong.
“I’m cold...” Yoochun weakly sighed. He closed his heavy lidded eyes. He felt all the arms embracing him tighten around his frail body, giving him a little bit more warmth. “I wanna sleep...” He turns his face, nuzzling at Yunho’s base of neck. He felt Changmin’s hand heavily placed on his head. He just wants to rest a bit. He exhales the air. Taking as much smell he could. He wants to remember everything about them. Yunho, Changmin and Jaejoong’s smells. They’re mixed in that cold bathroom zesty odour, but he could differentiate them perfectly. They’re mixed with the stench of his blood.
“I wanna live.” He’s slipping into a deep slumber. “I have to live...” And he did drift away in a deep slumber. There, at four o’clock in the morning, awkwardly standing in the middle of the bathroom, three young men embracing each other-with Yoochun at the centre, just to make sure the centre of their attention won’t lose his will to live. They can’t let go of him. Not just yet. They loved him too much.
“Changmin? Where are you?” They vividly heard a muffled voice- a female’s voice from outside the bathroom. Dr. Laila Lee is here. They sigh in union. For the mean time, their saviour has arrived.
to be continued...